


rest your head upon my shoulder

by too_short_to_ride



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: F/F, Fluff, M/M, Mutual Pining, Oneshot, evan is a Big Mood, me?projecting onto eBan hanSen??nEVER, theyre pretty gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-13
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-05-06 08:58:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14638470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/too_short_to_ride/pseuds/too_short_to_ride
Summary: He glances at Jared's neck and at his eyelids and at his hands, twirling a pencil between them, and at his terrible but wonderful taste in graphic t-shirts, and Evan looks for as long as he can like Jared is the key to the universe. He looks at every inch of his closest friend as long as he can without the latter noticing.And Evan is terrified.





	rest your head upon my shoulder

**Author's Note:**

> we out here, with an actual lentgh fanfic,,  
> kudos/comments are appreciated. tell me how you like it  
> the title is from Good Wife by MIKA

He was at lunch- holding Zoe's hand under the table, listening to Alana and Jared talk animatedly about something from robotics club or marching band. Jared's hair kind of flopped over his head in one specific spot, and it would work out perfectly with Evan's drawing style. He used his hands a lot when he talked, constantly adjusting his glasses or drumming his fingers on the table or gesturing at things that only existed in the conversation. The jacket he was wearing seemed to never leave his body- he had worn it every day for weeks. Evan could see the stars in his eyes and the wonder in his voice, and thought about how Jared made some tiny joke from last period or whenever sound so damn interesting. He had started to bite his nails again, that was probably bad. Evan might remind him when he finished talking, if he  _ ever _ finished talking. Not that he minded Jared's rambling- he spoke quickly but clearly, and then suddenly Zoe squeezed his hand and oh yeah! He had a beautiful amazing girlfriend. God, he was so lucky to have her in his life.

The group slid out of their seats as the bell rang. Evan and Zoe kissed each other goodbye as they left for their separate classes- Evan and Jared for math, Zoe and Alana for bio.

Honestly, Evan almost regretted taking geometry sometimes. Yeah, the content was interesting, but the teacher's lectures practically faded into the background noise of the classroom. Sometime during the first month of this hellish situation, he and Jared had made it a habit to doodle on a single page of paper or swap memes back and forth. Today was a drawing day, Evan thought- he just bought a stack of loose leaf paper and couldn't wait to use it. Both guys were fair artists. Like clockwork, the ignored math teacher began to lecture about the “Special Properties of Isosceles Triangles!” as Jared and Evan began to take turns filling up the paper. The doodles always started out as little flowers and vines and 8-bit video game characters in the margins, but they branched out to more detailed drawings within minutes. Evan set down his pencil after drawing a large pine tree (complete with a bird on top) and let Jared finish the last corner of the paper.

His hair was falling in his eyes a bit- it was almost worrying. He had his jaw set in concentration, and his eyes were glued to the paper as he made careful pencil strokes. Speaking of his eyes, they weren't all one color. One was more of a mix of green and brown. His glasses were threatening to fall off the bridge of his nose, and suddenly Evan felt his heart stop.

Jared was  _ cute _ .

And then Evan's mind was reeling and going in a thousand different directions- he had a girlfriend! They loved each other! This kind of thing shouldn't be happening! He and Jared were Really Good Friends! He shouldn't be thinking about what it might be like to kiss him  _ oh my fucking god why did that thought enter your head _ . Evan didn't realize he was staring into space until Jared's voice brought him back to consciousness.

"Hey, space cadet, the bell's gonna ring in two. We've only got one more period before we're free, and your lucky ass has a study hall. Evan. Evan, come back down to earth," he repeated, waving his hand in front of the blonde's face. Evan mumbled a reply and added the paper to an ever-growing stack of doodle sheets in his math binder, just before the sharp clanging of the bell echoed around the school.

His mind was buzzing all through seventh period, and as the last bell rang, Evan wanted nothing more than to see his girlfriend again.

The next day dawns, and he forgets. He pulls on a shirt and pours cereal and grabs his bag and meets Jared outside his house and it’s back. Whatever he’d been feeling yesterday hits him square in the chest as Jared turns to open his car door. It’s all he can think about as he sits tense in the passenger seat as his friend’s car careens down streets and around corners. The moment they arrive at school, Evan thanks Jared, leaps out of the car, and crashes into Zoe’s arms. 

Days pass. He feels overwhelmed. He barely responds to his texts. He’s afraid to look at Jared. He stops showing up to lunch. Jared pokes his side in geometry and asks if he’s being an asshole again. Evan reassures him he’s not, and then he can hold conversations again, even if it’s just so that his friends know he's alright. 

Nights pass. He's up till one AM thinking and worrying about someone he shouldn't be worrying about and in a way that's so spectacularly not okay by friendship standards.

He breaks up with Zoe when he realizes he's been distant, and he stammers apology after apology, knowing it's probably not enough. She waves him off, hugs him tightly, and tells him she understands. They end the day as friends, not lovers, and Evan couldn't be happier- until that night, when he berates himself for feeling so upbeat and cheerful and flat-out  _ relieved _ . After he  _ broke up _ with someone.

And he continues to stare. Well, not quite.

He can’t stare at Jared- it risks too much, so he sneaks glances during the time they share together. He glances at Jared's neck and at his eyelids and at his hands, twirling a pencil between them, and at his terrible but wonderful taste in graphic t-shirts, and Evan looks for as long as he can like Jared is the key to the universe. He looks at every inch of his closest friend as long as he can without the latter noticing.

And Evan is  _ terrified _ .

One day, they're walking to a morning class together, and Jared is talking about "have you ever put on a sousaphone, Ev, it's hell but especially when you haven't been doing it for a while because I think my entire shoulder is bruised" and it clicks. The realization almost knocks Evan backwards, and it feels like a stab in the gut, and between his ribs, and in every pore of his being. 

He thinks he's in love. 

A few more days fly by, and the fullness of it hits Evan in first period on a bright sunny Wednesday morning. He's in love. Right then and there, he makes a mental list of things to remember.

One, he’s stuck with this crush whether he likes it or not.

Two, Jared can’t know.

Three, if he can’t change it, he could at least embrace it.

So he does. In second period, he doodles on his desk, because he knows Jared doesn’t have a class in that room. In third period, he announces “I’m feeling very bi today.” Zoe and Alana look at him in confusion for a second and go back to writing dependent clauses. In fourth, Evan listens to MIKA and buries his head in his arms as his crush-  _ his friend, jesus- _ sits on the other side of the room and draws. Fifth is his lunch period, which means he’s free, but he also shares it with all of his friends. He’s already out to everyone he knows, but he sets down his bag and Alana’s first conversation starts with his outburst in English.

“Hey, gays, how are you doing today?” she opens, resulting in general snickers from the peanut gallery. “I, for one, agree with Evan, except I’m not attracted to the opposite sex, but he kind of proclaimed his sexuality for absolutely no reason in third today. What in the world was that about, Evan?”

He was suddenly blushing furiously, but Jared jumped in the conversation to save his ass before he had to explain anything. “For fuck’s sake, A, can’t a guy feel valid and supported? For all you know, I happen to be feeling pretty damn gay myself. Don’t know what kind of life you’ve been living.” His remark was met with general feigned annoyance and agreement, and he flashed a grin at Evan before Zoe continued the topic.

“Yeah, true, but honestly, Ev, was there a specific need to do it? It’s really interesting, if you think about it. Why did he say it? We all know he’s bi. Do tell us more, Evan,” she said with considerable interest, leaning on her arm. Evan realized with a start that all three of his friends were waiting for an answer, so he decided to tell them  _ some  _ of the truth. It couldn’t hurt if he didn’t give names, right?

“To be honest, I, uh, kind of have a crush on a guy. It’s pretty recent but I think it might have, maybe, not been that recent but I’m just noticing it?” Evan mumbled, blushing furiously and hiding his face with his hands. The table burst into considerable chaos, even though there were only three other people.

“HAHA I KNEW IT, AWWWW,” Zoe teased, laughing and patting Evan’s shoulder. Alana offered her sympathy with a distant look in her eye, and almost nodded, as if she knew what he was saying. Jared had gone silent, and for a few seconds, neither of the boys breathed, looking at each other wide-eyed. Zoe and Alana quieted down, and Jared lost his confused, nearly hopeful glance. With a smirk, he asked, “So are you going to tell us who this mystery boy is?”

Evan panicked- “I can’t, I, uh.”- and dashed out of the cafeteria, leaving three concerned faces behind him.

He found himself in a familiar locker-lined hallway and dashed between two of the rows, sitting against the painted metal. Inhaling and exhaling with practiced methods, he steadied his heartbeat and thought about what exactly he just did, eventually shaking with silent tears.

Evan didn’t notice Jared until the shorter guy sat down next to him, almost silently, like he was afraid to. They stared at one another, trying to figure out what to say, and time slowed to a crawl. Jared broke the silence, and of course, he did so in a long-winded ramble, albeit softly.

“Ev, I have absolutely no idea how much I’m risking by even saying this, and I only have half the confidence I should when I say this, and I don’t know who in the fucking world you’re apparently head over heels for, but-” he took Evan’s hand in his own, and spoke faster with every word- “I like you. Like, a shit ton. Have been for a while. And I just needed to get that off my chest and it was probably  _ not  _ a good thing to say and uh oh fucking hell I’m so sorry if I just made this whole situation awkward and-Evan. Evan, are you crying fuck fuck fuck I’m sorry I didn’t mean to oh fuck, Evan, dude, are you okay?” And suddenly they were both crying, holding onto each other in this empty space between the walls, and the emotion was  _ tangible. _

Evan stopped himself from panicking. Then he leaned in.

Jared’s lips were cold at first, and Evan wondered if he’d made a terrible mistake, but then he was kissing back and the whole world disintegrated. His hands were on Jared’s shoulders and they pulled him closer, and nothing else mattered. They were alone in the universe, in this bubble of warmth, and passion, and pent-up feelings finally clawing their way to the surface. It was intense, and rushed, and a bit wet from all the crying, and it was  _ wonderful. _

They pulled apart just before the bell rang, and stood up and dried each other’s faces. Jared pulled Evan into a hug so tight it might have been suffocating if anyone else had done it. 

Loud whistling startled the pair as Zoe appeared from across the hall with the backpacks they had left at the lunch table. Alana slid to a stop soon after, out of breath and beaming. Stories were exchanged, and Evan learned that the same situation happened in the cafeteria just minutes after Jared left- “but obviously more civilized, you know, because we know how to handle feelings,” Zoe added, her hand finding Alana’s.

The group decided to skip the last half of the day and spent the time at an ice cream shop down the street instead. Four waffle cones and thirteen minutes later, everyone was happily chatting at a picnic bench, away from any worries. Under the table, Jared threaded his fingers through Evan’s, causing him to nearly explode. 

Everything was going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> blink twice if you caught the reference


End file.
